“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then” - Lewis Carrol

I don't really know why I'm writing this, or who would read it. Maybe I like to fancy that people are as curious as me, or perhaps that the bonds that I feel with people are as strong was they feel to me.

I feel like my life has a new direction. A new direction in the way that I have no direction. I am so determined to be happy. So focused on being happy with myself that I'm forgetting about the other people in my life. I feel as though I have no real ties in my community beyond those of close family. Mainly my mother and little sister. Everything tells me that this is bad. That I should have ties, I should have ambitions to move forth, I should feel the need to rekindle friendships and make new. But I'm afraid.

Despite everything going on in my life, I'm afraid to move beyond this point. I'm finally not struggling to get up in the morning. I'm not aching to sleep away the day. I'm not dreading the happenings of the day. I am afraid that this point will fade if I move forward. No more nightmares, no more aches that won't leave, no more crying just because I hurt so inexplicably and so deeply. For everything happening, I am afraid to move forward. Moving forward comes with the chances of losing more than just this feeling of contentness.

I feel as though I have very few friends. Very few people that will listen, that will listen no matter what I'm saying. Yet, I'm okay. Is it okay to be okay with being a loner? Is it healthy to draw away from those that I used to trust? Is it possible that they could never fully comprehend what I'm feeling, what I need, what I want? Is that their fault, or mine?

Love. I can love myself. I do, I love myself. I can be my own soulmate, but I want so much to find that person. What if my soulmate will never realize my love? What if I let go of my passion? Is that person out there? Is that feeling of absence ever going to be filled? I can feel my soulmate, my love, constantly. I feel their absence. I know that there has to be a feeling of fulfilledness. What am I looking for? Am I looking for him? Her? Am I looking for myself? Am I really seeking out somebody to love me, or am I trying to love myself entirely? Am I trying to find somebody to love the part of me that I can't? Do I love myself entirely? Is that possible?

Will I ever be able to cure the injustice that happens to good people? Will a good deed go unpunished?

I'm not sad. Should I be sad?

I'm angry. I'm something so hot that it almost feels cold. Am I going cold? Or am I still burning? Should I try to put that flame out? Is it unhealthy? Am I slowly scalding myself alive, or am I keeping myself warm, keeping myself moving and thinking and doing? Can somebody catch me? Can I allow myself to be caught, to be molded, to be adored and admired? Am I metal or am I the fire? Am I yielding to the flames? Wanting so desperately to be controlling my own fate, or am I just yearning desperately to be knowing that I'm guiding my own fate correctly?

I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong.
I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow, or whats going to happen today.

But I'm happy. I'm adaptable, and I know that I'll never let the flames destroy me, rather, I'll let them shape me.

I will let life happen, and I will decide how it effects me.

I realize that I'll never be in control of what happens to me, but in realizing this, I can be in control. I can be okay with just drifting. I can be happy, if I let myself.

And I am.